Tag: inspiration

Befriend Your Inner Naysayer: It May Be Trying to Tell You Something Worthwhile

SELF-SABOTAGE can happen at any the time. We try to create something important to us, whether it’s greater leadership or a deeper sense of calm, and we get in our own way. The internal naysayer takes the lead, and we convince ourselves that it’s easier to stick with what we have.

Except that it’s not easier. You feel the call to change because there’s a fundamental imbalance in your life. Something that’s not working anymore.

So how can you change the way you talk to yourself?

Young beautiful woman standing over yellow isolated background hand on mouth telling secret rumor, whispering malicious talk conversation

SELF-SABOTAGE.

It can happen at any the time. To any of us.

We try to change our lives or create something important to us, whether it’s greater leadership or a deeper sense of calm.

And boom. We talk ourselves out of it.

It’s too….

  • Hard
  • Expensive
  • Long
  • Boring
  • Intense
  • Unrealistic
  • Unwanted
  • Different

Whatever the reason(s), we get in our own way. The internal naysayer takes the lead, and we convince ourselves that it’s easier to stick with what we have.

Except that it’s not easier. You feel the call to change because there’s a fundamental imbalance in your life. Something that’s not working anymore. A job, a relationship or even a deeply held belief that needs to change.

After all, if it were truly easier, you wouldn’t be called to change. You wouldn’t have the nagging feeling that keeps you up at night or the emotional turmoil that haunts you during the day. You would have a sense of purpose. A sense of calm.

Even if the change is not within your power, and you are adjusting to a change that you didn’t want, there will be an emotional gap – and possibly other gaps – between clinging to the past and embracing the change. This gap will take a toll that is ultimately harder to  bear than taking the necessary steps to adjust to and actively redirect your life or situation.

Would you like an example?

Say you were laid off from a job. Your instinct could be to close off from the world, lick your wounds, protect yourself and mourn the loss. Yet what you likely need most, after a few days to regroup, is to get out and find another opportunity.

Your internal naysayer (a.k.a. worry brain) says:

“You should have seen this coming.”

“You don’t have the time for this.”

“Why did you have to screw this up?”

“You are getting older. No one is going to want to hire you.”

Or any of many other negative messages that people feed themselves.

The crux of the problem is this: your naysayer can’t simply be silenced. It needs to be heard, because it’s telling you something important. It houses the deep-seated fears that developed over the course of a lifetime. 

While your naysayer can’t be silenced, it can be befriended and turned into an ally. To do that, you need to make a mindset change before the intended change.

Are you ready?

First, take a deep breath. Inhale and exhale. Maybe a few breaths….

Then venture into the forest of your fears. Visit as an invited guest. Stay a while and see what lies there and what you can learn.

Beautiful, foggy, autumn, mysterious forest with pathway forward. Footpath among high trees with yellow leaves.

If your worry brain is whispering (or yelling) at you, take time to explore it.

A message like “this is all your fault” or “this change is beyond your grasp” has a deeper meaning behind it, and if you can grasp the meaning, you can find value in the fear.

This is all your fault.

Rarely is anything ALL your fault. But assume for a moment that your naysayer brain is squarely assessing you with a great deal of blame.

Remember, the naysayer can’t be silenced. Nor should it. It’s there to warn you of danger, and you can trust its intuition. The problem is, while the naysayer is good at identifying possible danger, it is not as good at quantifying it. That’s the job of another part of you: your ability to problem-solve and reason, which you can only do if you are not emotionally charged.

So try an experiment. Befriend the naysayer and thank it for its insight. Then tell it:

“Rather than focusing on blame, let’s see what we can learn from this situation. There are certainly ways I can develop greater foresight and resilience.”

Or simply:

“Thanks for the warning. I’m good.”

The naysayer (worry brain) part of yourself can then calm down, because you have changed the way you talk to yourself.

This change is beyond your grasp.

If your internal naysayer is raising a stink that a change is too much for you, take a walk into the forest of your fears. What can you learn?

  • Is it a good change for you?
  • Are there hidden consequences you should explore?
  • Is there an easier way to get where you want to go?
  • Could you break a larger change into stages?
  • Are important people in your life going to be disturbed by this change?
  • Do you have mixed emotions yourself that are worth exploring?

Explore these questions and any others that arise. Write down what occurs to you as you meditate on the change. You can use either stream-of-consciousness writing or a tighter, more structured exploration on a whiteboard or the equivalent. Whatever you do, get it down on the page so you can sort, quantify and evaluate what you are thinking and feeling about the change.

Engaging in this mindset work to acknowledge – rather than try to supersede or hide – your fears will strengthen your resolve and give you greater ease in the change management process. Befriending your inner naysayer will help you create a fruitful internal dialogue about your goals, appropriate risks and the best way to navigate both the changes you elect to make and the ones that appear in your life.

Feel free to make a comment, post a question or “like” this post below. Thanks!

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Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years, including roles at White & Case LLP and a prominent hedge and private equity fund manager, before launching her coaching practice. Based in Connecticut not far from New York City, Anne Marie partners with clients internationally on executive presence, impactful communications, graceful transitions and other aspects of professional and personal development. 

Coming in early 2020:

The 28-Day Career Mindset Journey at Segal Online 24/7

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Old Dog, New Tricks: What Can You Change Before Year End?

The Ultimate Holiday Dilemma: Donut v. Orange (Or, Practical Strategies for Better Decisionmaking)

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The Ultimate Holiday Dilemma: Donut v. Orange (Or, Practical Strategies for Better Decisionmaking)

Today is December 1. We are on the cusp of another holiday season and faced with the age-old dilemma:

How can we make good decisions in a world of tempting choices? 

Donut v. Orange image.png

Whether it’s a diet, career or other choice in the coming days or months, how do we ready ourselves to take the better path… the longer view?

In this short video, I share some key strategies to making better decisions in the face of life’s pressing questions, such as:

How do I choose the orange when I really want the donut?

 

Follow-up comments or questions welcome. Happy holidays!

Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years, including roles at White & Case LLP and a prominent hedge and private equity fund manager, before launching her coaching practice. Based in Connecticut not far from New York City, Anne Marie partners with clients internationally on executive presence, impactful communications, graceful transitions and other aspects of professional and personal development. She also offers online instruction at www.segal247.com.

Why We Love (and Lament) Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, as it is practiced in the countries that celebrate it, is a nationwide day of gratitude. We are called to stop our busy lives and reflect on what really matters to us most. Extra credit is granted if we actually spend time with the people who matter to us, doing the things that matter to us and living in the present moment.

Something inevitably gets in the way. A relative makes a misplaced comment. A loved one would rather watch the football game than engage in heartfelt conversation. (Or, conversely, a loved one would rather talk than turn on the TV.) The food isn’t ready on time. We eat too much and feel like we are going to burst. The dog steals the pie right off the table. A work issue draws us away from the celebration.

Or occasionally, a true, pressing emergency arises.

Each of these distractions, disappointments and interruptions can take us away from the present moment by highlighting a gap between how we imagine Thanksgiving and the reality of what we are experiencing. I know that has happened to me. For many years, I had an idealized version of the holiday, and I worked very hard to meet it.

Distractions, disappointments and interruptions can reveal the gap between our idealized and real experiences.

This year, I stopped working so hard. In fact, I put aside the “work” mindset altogether. I took each moment as it came, each interruption as an opportunity to experiment and each person as they arrived that day.

The dog ate all the pie…? Now what?

If you will laugh about it next year, laugh about it now.

It would be superficial and misleading to say that this mental shift was achieved in one day. I have spent most of 2019 – and indeed, good parts of prior years – peeling back the layers of why I feel the need to work so hard. If I were to universalize the main discovery, it is this:

To simply be present with who and where we are, we need first to be content with who and where we are.

We love (and lament) Thanksgiving because it brings us face to face with this truth. It is the same with every holiday, celebration or tradition that purports to stop time. If we are stuck in cognitive and emotional dissonance – knowing and feeling to our core that our outward life conflicts with what we want and know to be true for our lives – we will not be able to live in the moment. We will constantly be trying to fix things, but they will be the wrong things, because we have not yet closed the gap between our ideal and reality.

Serenity and yoga practicing,meditation at mountain range

When we are not content with our reality, we set up a dichotomy. We imagine that somewhere far away, we could experience a reality that would truly allow us to experience the present moment. Yet the only way to bring that far away place and truth into our current reality is to first be content with where we are today.

Otherwise, we can climb every mountaintop but find no inner peace. We can transverse the globe or drive across three states to visit relatives, friends or sacred spaces yet return tired and spent rather than refreshed. We can do lots of “work” to create an idealized holiday, while we would be better served by embracing the day. We can continue to leave no stone unturned, on a restless quest, ignoring the rich stones in our own gardens.

As we move through the final days of November, turn the page for December and start the New Year, let’s look ahead but also stay present in NOW. Whether it is Thanksgiving weekend for you now, or a regular weekday now, how can you allow your reality to be closer to your vision? What large or small steps can you take to grant yourself freedom, forgiveness, expansive breath and emotional space?

What large or small steps can you take to grant yourself freedom, forgiveness, expansive breath and emotional space?

In my coaching practice, when clients wish to change jobs, we often start with what they can change in their current situation. Sometimes it is an outward change, such as asking for more responsibility in a competency that is highly relevant for their careers and in which they wish to grow. Sometimes it is an inward change, such as creating better boundaries or growing their influence across (and outside of) the organization. We also ask what is working, so they do not lose sight of what they already have.

Taking it back to the holiday season, what feels like an unsurmountable gap between your ideal and reality? How can you close that gap? How can you reflect on the lessons of yesterday and today to create a present moment that serves you?

Feel free to leave a question or comment below.

Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, business and resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years before launching her coaching practice, including roles at White & Case LLP and a hedge and private equity fund manager. Anne Marie is based in Stamford, CT and serves an international clientele. 

Image above: Adobe Images.

 

 

 

 

Where and How Do You Find Wonder and Inspiration? A Photo Essay

As I enjoyed a beautiful day outside in perfect weather yesterday, I started reflecting on the times I am most creative and what inspires me: when time slows down and I am able to think expansively. It’s a goal of mine to have more of those moments in the coming year.

Seljalandfoss waterfall at sunset in HDR, Iceland

Creativity – where and how do you find it?

As I enjoyed a beautiful day outside in perfect weather yesterday, I started reflecting on the times I am most creative and what inspires me: when time slows down, I wonder at the beauty of the world and am able to think expansively. It’s a goal of mine to increase the frequency and intensity of these moments in the coming year.

Is creativity a top value for you?

Does you need to consistently refuel your creativity to do your best work?

Where do you find that you are most creative?

Do you need to step out of your regular life to achieve it?

Where and how can you increase your opportunities to find wonder in the world?

Does exposure to the creativity of others fuel your own?

Can you generate more to fuel yourself and others?

How can increased creativity drive positive change in your life and career?

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Top image: Seljalandfoss waterfall at sunset in HDR, Iceland (Shutterstock).

Text and bottom images (taken in Tampa, FL; Norwalk, CT; New York, NY; and Cruising Altitude, Somewhere, USA; respectively) copyright 2016 Anne Marie Segal.
All rights reserved.

Inspiration and Time Management: Can the Two Ever Be Reconciled?

Coaxing inspiration to fit into the ins and outs of modern life may be one of the hardest things that we need to do as human beings. It is akin to shaping glass – you need just the right amount of heat, skill and supple touch – and you need to risk that your project will be a bust. Yet the more you practice, the better your results will be.

Time and idea

 

How can you successfully manage your time when the next great idea could strike at any moment?

How do you make time for inspiration in any already busy day?

As a coach, I provide answers. As an individual, I have my own questions. One question that I have been struggling with this past year is how to foster inspiration while maintaining a sense of balance. I must admit that these two goals often work at cross-purposes in my life, as they do for many others who are blessed with the creativity bug.

Often the more I am inspired I am, the harder it is to be at peace. Channeling inspiration is a nagging, messy, guarded and complicated process. It makes me want to wake up at the wee hours of the morning and start going, and it propels me to extend my day much beyond the time my body is telling me that I need rest. It urges me to skip lunch and feed it instead.

Inspiration says, “don’t stop and eat lunch, feed me instead!”

I can set a perfect plan – at 10 am I will be doing X, by 11:30 am I will move to Y. But inspiration is jealous. It does not know how to share. It threatens to abandon me if I leave it on its own for too long, so when I return at 12:30 pm, it may be grumpy like a child.

Of course, I need inspiration as much as I need water, and I am sure you do too. The more inspired I am, the more I find passion and meaning in my life and the more energy I have for the other tasks in my day. On the days that I am most inspired, my output can be 20x the days that I am not.

To that end, I have become a huge fan of energy management rather than time management. If you focus on energy management, you channel your activities with the end game of increasing your overall energy for the day, so you can be at your best in each task. This matches many of us more than straight time management, in which we try to fit inspiration into a set of pre-programmed times.

Yet our days don’t always work that way either. Inspiration on one topic may strike at 1 pm, and a critical meeting on another may start at 1:15. So the question may become how to push and pull inspiration, weaving it into our free hours (however many or few those may be) without dampening those very creative ideas and the flow that can accompany their execution. 

This is hard. In fact, it may be one of the hardest things that we need to do as human beings. Coaxing inspiration to fit into the ins and outs of modern life is akin to shaping glass – you need just the right amount of heat, skill and supple touch – and you need to risk that your project will be a bust. Yet the more you practice, the better your results will be.

I have found something that has worked for me, so I wanted to share it. It’s a cliche, but made new again in this analogous context. Here it is:”If you love something, set it free.”

I love inspiration, so I have set it free. Right now, for example, I am writing this post at 9:50 am. I will stop at 10 am to prepare for my next meeting. If it means that I lose my train of thought, there is always another train. I cannot control inspiration, but it doesn’t control me either. We live in harmony with each other.

Inspiration will not leave you if it knows you are coming back.

If you live in the world of inspiration long enough, it starts to feel like home. It’s like an old friend with whom you can pick up a conversation started 15 minutes or 15 years earlier. Or a child who knows that although you have left the room, you will always return. If you trust inspiration, it will trust you back.

9:58 am. Inspiration, it’s almost time to go. It’s farewell and not goodbye. See you soon!

Anne Marie Segal is a career and leadership coach, author and resume writer for attorneys, executives and entrepreneurs. Her book on job interviews, Master the Interview, is available on Amazon.com. 

Image above from Adobe Images.

 

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