Category: Stress Reduction

Befriend Your Inner Naysayer: It May Be Trying to Tell You Something Worthwhile

SELF-SABOTAGE can happen at any the time. We try to create something important to us, whether it’s greater leadership or a deeper sense of calm, and we get in our own way. The internal naysayer takes the lead, and we convince ourselves that it’s easier to stick with what we have.

Except that it’s not easier. You feel the call to change because there’s a fundamental imbalance in your life. Something that’s not working anymore.

So how can you change the way you talk to yourself?

Young beautiful woman standing over yellow isolated background hand on mouth telling secret rumor, whispering malicious talk conversation

SELF-SABOTAGE.

It can happen at any the time. To any of us.

We try to change our lives or create something important to us, whether it’s greater leadership or a deeper sense of calm.

And boom. We talk ourselves out of it.

It’s too….

  • Hard
  • Expensive
  • Long
  • Boring
  • Intense
  • Unrealistic
  • Unwanted
  • Different

Whatever the reason(s), we get in our own way. The internal naysayer takes the lead, and we convince ourselves that it’s easier to stick with what we have.

Except that it’s not easier. You feel the call to change because there’s a fundamental imbalance in your life. Something that’s not working anymore. A job, a relationship or even a deeply held belief that needs to change.

After all, if it were truly easier, you wouldn’t be called to change. You wouldn’t have the nagging feeling that keeps you up at night or the emotional turmoil that haunts you during the day. You would have a sense of purpose. A sense of calm.

Even if the change is not within your power, and you are adjusting to a change that you didn’t want, there will be an emotional gap – and possibly other gaps – between clinging to the past and embracing the change. This gap will take a toll that is ultimately harder to  bear than taking the necessary steps to adjust to and actively redirect your life or situation.

Would you like an example?

Say you were laid off from a job. Your instinct could be to close off from the world, lick your wounds, protect yourself and mourn the loss. Yet what you likely need most, after a few days to regroup, is to get out and find another opportunity.

Your internal naysayer (a.k.a. worry brain) says:

“You should have seen this coming.”

“You don’t have the time for this.”

“Why did you have to screw this up?”

“You are getting older. No one is going to want to hire you.”

Or any of many other negative messages that people feed themselves.

The crux of the problem is this: your naysayer can’t simply be silenced. It needs to be heard, because it’s telling you something important. It houses the deep-seated fears that developed over the course of a lifetime. 

While your naysayer can’t be silenced, it can be befriended and turned into an ally. To do that, you need to make a mindset change before the intended change.

Are you ready?

First, take a deep breath. Inhale and exhale. Maybe a few breaths….

Then venture into the forest of your fears. Visit as an invited guest. Stay a while and see what lies there and what you can learn.

Beautiful, foggy, autumn, mysterious forest with pathway forward. Footpath among high trees with yellow leaves.

If your worry brain is whispering (or yelling) at you, take time to explore it.

A message like “this is all your fault” or “this change is beyond your grasp” has a deeper meaning behind it, and if you can grasp the meaning, you can find value in the fear.

This is all your fault.

Rarely is anything ALL your fault. But assume for a moment that your naysayer brain is squarely assessing you with a great deal of blame.

Remember, the naysayer can’t be silenced. Nor should it. It’s there to warn you of danger, and you can trust its intuition. The problem is, while the naysayer is good at identifying possible danger, it is not as good at quantifying it. That’s the job of another part of you: your ability to problem-solve and reason, which you can only do if you are not emotionally charged.

So try an experiment. Befriend the naysayer and thank it for its insight. Then tell it:

“Rather than focusing on blame, let’s see what we can learn from this situation. There are certainly ways I can develop greater foresight and resilience.”

Or simply:

“Thanks for the warning. I’m good.”

The naysayer (worry brain) part of yourself can then calm down, because you have changed the way you talk to yourself.

This change is beyond your grasp.

If your internal naysayer is raising a stink that a change is too much for you, take a walk into the forest of your fears. What can you learn?

  • Is it a good change for you?
  • Are there hidden consequences you should explore?
  • Is there an easier way to get where you want to go?
  • Could you break a larger change into stages?
  • Are important people in your life going to be disturbed by this change?
  • Do you have mixed emotions yourself that are worth exploring?

Explore these questions and any others that arise. Write down what occurs to you as you meditate on the change. You can use either stream-of-consciousness writing or a tighter, more structured exploration on a whiteboard or the equivalent. Whatever you do, get it down on the page so you can sort, quantify and evaluate what you are thinking and feeling about the change.

Engaging in this mindset work to acknowledge – rather than try to supersede or hide – your fears will strengthen your resolve and give you greater ease in the change management process. Befriending your inner naysayer will help you create a fruitful internal dialogue about your goals, appropriate risks and the best way to navigate both the changes you elect to make and the ones that appear in your life.

Feel free to make a comment, post a question or “like” this post below. Thanks!

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Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years, including roles at White & Case LLP and a prominent hedge and private equity fund manager, before launching her coaching practice. Based in Connecticut not far from New York City, Anne Marie partners with clients internationally on executive presence, impactful communications, graceful transitions and other aspects of professional and personal development. 

Coming in early 2020:

The 28-Day Career Mindset Journey at Segal Online 24/7

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Old Dog, New Tricks: What Can You Change Before Year End?

The Ultimate Holiday Dilemma: Donut v. Orange (Or, Practical Strategies for Better Decisionmaking)

For a list of articles by topic on AnneMarieSegal.com, click here.

The Ultimate Holiday Dilemma: Donut v. Orange (Or, Practical Strategies for Better Decisionmaking)

Today is December 1. We are on the cusp of another holiday season and faced with the age-old dilemma:

How can we make good decisions in a world of tempting choices? 

Donut v. Orange image.png

Whether it’s a diet, career or other choice in the coming days or months, how do we ready ourselves to take the better path… the longer view?

In this short video, I share some key strategies to making better decisions in the face of life’s pressing questions, such as:

How do I choose the orange when I really want the donut?

 

Follow-up comments or questions welcome. Happy holidays!

Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years, including roles at White & Case LLP and a prominent hedge and private equity fund manager, before launching her coaching practice. Based in Connecticut not far from New York City, Anne Marie partners with clients internationally on executive presence, impactful communications, graceful transitions and other aspects of professional and personal development. She also offers online instruction at www.segal247.com.

Why We Love (and Lament) Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, as it is practiced in the countries that celebrate it, is a nationwide day of gratitude. We are called to stop our busy lives and reflect on what really matters to us most. Extra credit is granted if we actually spend time with the people who matter to us, doing the things that matter to us and living in the present moment.

Something inevitably gets in the way. A relative makes a misplaced comment. A loved one would rather watch the football game than engage in heartfelt conversation. (Or, conversely, a loved one would rather talk than turn on the TV.) The food isn’t ready on time. We eat too much and feel like we are going to burst. The dog steals the pie right off the table. A work issue draws us away from the celebration.

Or occasionally, a true, pressing emergency arises.

Each of these distractions, disappointments and interruptions can take us away from the present moment by highlighting a gap between how we imagine Thanksgiving and the reality of what we are experiencing. I know that has happened to me. For many years, I had an idealized version of the holiday, and I worked very hard to meet it.

Distractions, disappointments and interruptions can reveal the gap between our idealized and real experiences.

This year, I stopped working so hard. In fact, I put aside the “work” mindset altogether. I took each moment as it came, each interruption as an opportunity to experiment and each person as they arrived that day.

The dog ate all the pie…? Now what?

If you will laugh about it next year, laugh about it now.

It would be superficial and misleading to say that this mental shift was achieved in one day. I have spent most of 2019 – and indeed, good parts of prior years – peeling back the layers of why I feel the need to work so hard. If I were to universalize the main discovery, it is this:

To simply be present with who and where we are, we need first to be content with who and where we are.

We love (and lament) Thanksgiving because it brings us face to face with this truth. It is the same with every holiday, celebration or tradition that purports to stop time. If we are stuck in cognitive and emotional dissonance – knowing and feeling to our core that our outward life conflicts with what we want and know to be true for our lives – we will not be able to live in the moment. We will constantly be trying to fix things, but they will be the wrong things, because we have not yet closed the gap between our ideal and reality.

Serenity and yoga practicing,meditation at mountain range

When we are not content with our reality, we set up a dichotomy. We imagine that somewhere far away, we could experience a reality that would truly allow us to experience the present moment. Yet the only way to bring that far away place and truth into our current reality is to first be content with where we are today.

Otherwise, we can climb every mountaintop but find no inner peace. We can transverse the globe or drive across three states to visit relatives, friends or sacred spaces yet return tired and spent rather than refreshed. We can do lots of “work” to create an idealized holiday, while we would be better served by embracing the day. We can continue to leave no stone unturned, on a restless quest, ignoring the rich stones in our own gardens.

As we move through the final days of November, turn the page for December and start the New Year, let’s look ahead but also stay present in NOW. Whether it is Thanksgiving weekend for you now, or a regular weekday now, how can you allow your reality to be closer to your vision? What large or small steps can you take to grant yourself freedom, forgiveness, expansive breath and emotional space?

What large or small steps can you take to grant yourself freedom, forgiveness, expansive breath and emotional space?

In my coaching practice, when clients wish to change jobs, we often start with what they can change in their current situation. Sometimes it is an outward change, such as asking for more responsibility in a competency that is highly relevant for their careers and in which they wish to grow. Sometimes it is an inward change, such as creating better boundaries or growing their influence across (and outside of) the organization. We also ask what is working, so they do not lose sight of what they already have.

Taking it back to the holiday season, what feels like an unsurmountable gap between your ideal and reality? How can you close that gap? How can you reflect on the lessons of yesterday and today to create a present moment that serves you?

Feel free to leave a question or comment below.

Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, business and resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years before launching her coaching practice, including roles at White & Case LLP and a hedge and private equity fund manager. Anne Marie is based in Stamford, CT and serves an international clientele. 

Image above: Adobe Images.

 

 

 

 

Thought Leadership Presentation Skills: Compressing Pictures to Reduce File Size in Microsoft PowerPoint and Word

In my work with executives, attorneys and others, I am called upon to act as a coach and help clients reach deeper, expand their vision of their own professional value and capacity and increase their emotional intelligence, versatility, resilience and other key qualities.

I also act as a technical advisor, so to speak, by sharing pro tips that save time (sometimes many hours of time), reduce stress and demonstrate proficiencies that put my clients ahead of the pack. On a recent webinar, I mentioned one of these tips to colleagues in the National Résumé Writers Association, and I have been asked to share it more widely.

So here it is.

If your thought leadership includes public speaking and PowerPoint® presentations, as many of ours does, you may have stumbled upon the common problem of large file sizes that are blocked by corporate and other email addresses.

I ran into this problem myself for a presentation I gave to a group at Wells Fargo, and I am embarrassed to admit that we spent days trying to find creative ways for me to send a large file to them. (They loved the first two slides I sent and were eager for the full presentation.) We tried home emails, SlideShare and other means. I ended up creating an abridged version, but it was still to large (over 20MB), so I had to abridge it even further.

Hours of work to create a visually compelling presentation went down the drain.

We all have had times like these in our professional lives, and we can feel at our wits end. Unfortunately, too often they arise exactly when we are very busy working on other important projects, and we end up not with an optimum solution but a hasty compromise that leaves us feeling stressed and out of sorts. Not the best look when you are the presenter, of course!

I resolved to solve this problem for myself and am sharing it here to give you the benefit of my mistakes. The solution is embarrassingly simple, in fact, and I reduced my file size by more than 20x without creating an appreciable reduction in picture quality.

Click on the video below to learn more.

[Note: I do realize there are enterprise solutions to solve this and other common business and technical problems, but I am often of the view that less is more. How many such solutions can a small business entertain, afford and maintain, let alone an individual? In this case, you don’t need a special service or subscription, as no coding or fancy skills are needed to achieve the result of a smaller file. You just need to know the the trick!]

 

Anne Marie Segal is an executive coach, resume writer and author of two well-received books on interviewing and career development. She served as a corporate attorney for 15 years before launching her coaching practice, including roles at White & Case LLP and a hedge and private equity fund manager. Anne Marie is based in Stamford, CT and serves an international clientele. Her online learning platform is accessible here.

Video copyright 2019 Anne Marie Segal. All rights reserved.

Achieving Gratitude in a Macho Work Environment

Young woman showing her heartfelt gratitude

For professionals who work day-in and day-out in a macho work environment – where you  “eat what you kill,” and if you don’t produce, you don’t eat – gratitude is often a foreign notion.

More common are words like merit, grit, earning and climbing.

Gratitude can seem soft, vulnerable and passive.

Yet the more mature we become as professionals – and, in fact, as people – the more we can appreciate, if not “what we have been given” (which sounds as though we had no hand in it) then “what we are fortunate to have” (which is the result of luck and hard work).

While we may have made many of our own breaks, we still caught breaks.

Gratitude can indeed be strong and active, as can we when we invite gratitude into our lives. Meditation, playing with young children, hiking, singing, surfing… There are many ways to get ourselves into the right mindset to drop the macho masks we must (or fear we must?) wear every day.

When we are vulnerable, we are also open and approachable. 

We connect with others through shared purpose.

We have the capacity to create, integrate new ideas and expand from our current point of view.

We break out of the negative feedback loops that often plague us.

We can achieve change that is the necessary element of growth.

We realize that we are not in control of every detail in our lives. Rather than fighting against the current, we learn to live and breathe in the natural flow.

What will gratitude teach you this Thanksgiving?

How can you bring that feeling into the rest of your year?

Copyright 2016 Anne Marie Segal. All rights reserved.

 

Five Ways to Recover from Anxiety

Stress, pressure and anxiety

Stress, panic, anxiety, sadness, fear….

Once in a while, we can become so overwhelmed by our thoughts, feelings and emotions that we can’t even think straight.

Sometimes these emotions creep up over time.
At other times, they pop up in reaction to an event, with no warning whatsoever. 

There is no quick fix, but here are some ways to cope:

  1. Identify what you are feeling. Let yourself acknowledge and experience all of your emotions. The range may be larger than you realize. Journaling, drawing, recording yourself speaking or having a conversation with a trusted person can help you pinpoint the triggers and unearth layers of triggering thoughts.
  2. Create a “bigger space” for your feelings. This may be psychological or physical space or both (such as a yoga class). If you are in a cramped room, like an office or bedroom, try spending some time in an expansive museum or other building with high ceilings or the great outdoors. Even a walk up a staircase and some deep breathing can open things up for you.
  3. Be with people who can help you through it. Sometimes commiseration is helpful, and at other times a new topic can give you a mental break. 
  4. Give yourself room to have fun, even if it is a quick 15-minute break. Make sure to choose something that recharges you. Physical activity that charges up your endorphins is a good break. 
  5. Channel your negative energy into something positive. How can you create what you want to see in the world?

Anne Marie Segal is a career and leadership coach, author and resume writer who works with executives, attorneys and entrepreneurs on change management, career transitions, personal branding and professional development. 

Above: Shutterstock image.

Breaking Out of a Suffocating Job Search

shutterstock_141291514-stuck

Halloween friendly ghost costumes aside, let’s talk about facing some very real fears.

Prospective clients sometimes ask if I can help them break out of a suffocating job search. They tell me that “everything they try” is not working.

Nothing is working.

I can’t think. I can’t breathe.

How can I move forward?

When we talk a bit more, I often hear the following:

  1. They have not settled on a target audience for their job search (or even a small set of audiences) but are sending out applications all over the place.
  2. They are not tailoring their applications to specific opportunities.
  3. They are relying mainly on sending their resumes into the “black hole” of online applications rather than leveraging networking contacts who may have or know about opportunities.
  4. They are relying on work experience rather than seeking out additional outlets to grow their skills.

These and other limits on their job search have been holding them in their tracks. 

The problem with such limits is two-fold. First, while you can get lucky and get a “hit” on a great job – if you are a convincing candidate during the interview process – it rarely works to have a scattershot approach to your job search. Second, it wears you out, so you feel suffocated by the job search rather than energized by it.

Here is the better approach:

  1. Get very clear on your long-term and short-term goals. Figure out which audiences you are targeting, so you can refine your pitch and make each application count.
  2. Tailor your cover letter and resume to the field and type of role, with specific tweaks that relate to the specific job to which you are applying.
  3. Build and work your network. Keep online applications to a minimum, e.g., 10% of your overall job search. Get out there and create a pipeline of contacts through calls and face-to-face meetings, including informational interviews.
  4. Find coursework, individualized study or volunteer opportunities, or look for ways to grow or supplement your current job, to increase your relevant skills and get you closer to your end goals. 

No one wants to hire a candidate who is visibly floundering or suffocating from an ineffective job search, and it often shows when you are stretched thin.

Break out of the cycle and make the best use of your precious time invested in your search. Not only will you have more interest from employers – which can raise your confidence level and fuel your energy – but you will perform better in the vetting process to achieve greater career-search success.

Anne Marie Segal is a career and leadership coach, author and resume writer for attorneys, executives and entrepreneurs. Her book on job interviews, Master the Interview, includes a chapter devoted to building one’s job search network.

Image above from Shutterstock.

 

 

 

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