I Don’t Want a Coach. I Just Want a Job.

My clients who have the most success are the ones that have or can acquire clarity, skills and readiness.

My daughter is nine. Lately, she wants to be an actress. She saw a casting call for Descendants 3, and she is ready to head to Vancouver (we live in Connecticut) to audition, if I will just say yes.

As we read through the requirements, among other things, you must submit a resume that lists your acting experience. My daughter has been in a few local shows at her school and the community center. It is “real” acting, but not necessarily the type that is valued by casting directors. I watch her scour the internet for information and other opportunities, quite devoted and pumped up (as only someone who is just reaching double digits in age can be).

An acting coach’s website pops up in one of her searches about whether a certain agency is a scam. “Oh, a coach could be helpful,” I tell her. “She could let you know how to prepare for your big break. What to learn, where to look for opportunities…”

My daughter turns to me, scoffs and delivers a classic line. “I don’t want a coach, Mom. I just want a job.” Other than the addition of my maternal moniker, she sounds like a few of my clients, if they would just be honest with themselves and me.

Yesterday a prospect pointedly asked me how fast my clients get jobs, as if that were a true measure of my success as a career coach. I gave her the honest answer, which is that “it depends.” I know there are some coaches who make promises – an interview in X weeks or a job in Y months. The truth is that I have clients who get an interview the same week we start working together, and I have others who struggle for some time after that. As I said to the prospect, there are three factors at play: (1) does the person have clarity on what he/she wants, (2) does he/she have skills that the marketplace needs and (3) is he/she ready to go?

Coaching is not a job placement service, but I do have prospective clients who contact me all the time wanting me to “find them a job” rather than help them do the tough but satisfying professional development to prepare themselves for their job search and interview process. They want a magic shot or shock to their system that will make the pain go away (pain of unemployment, pain of a toxic or numbing job, pain of not advancing, etc.) rather than being open to learning a better approach that will serve them in the short term and long term. By contrast, my clients who have the most success are the ones that have or can acquire the three points below.

Clarity. To be successful in a job search, you need clarity on what you are seeking and what roles will actually be a good match for you at the present moment. Notice I did not say “to find a job” you need clarity, but rather to be successful in your search. There are many people who are quite good at finding new jobs, only to be continually disappointed with the results, because they do not ask themselves what they really want to achieve in the short term and long term. There are others who struggle for months to find something, only to realize after starting a new role that it is not what they expected. In both cases, you are better able to find a match for your interests, talents and values if you have invested the time and energy (with or without a coach) to understand what those are.

Skills. What are the hard and soft skills, from strategic thinking to asset-backed financing or from stakeholder engagement to Hadoop – or, as in my daughter’s case, the ability to act, sing and dance – that are required by the targeted roles? Can you demonstrate that you have what it takes or are able to quickly get up to speed, closing the gap? In some fields and roles, in which skills are easier to acquire and there is a huge demand for each open position, you will almost always need to demonstrate your accomplishments in advance. In other cases, and with forward-thinking hiring managers, what you need to demonstrate is an understanding of how the role contributes to the organization, the ability to solve problems and an immediate aptitude and readiness to acquire the needed skills to make that happen.

Readiness. Let’s return again to that last point, readiness. I sometimes describe it as having the “light turned on,” like a cab that is free to pick up passengers. The single most important indicator to job search success, which I notice every day among my clients, is an ability to stand ready for the opportunities that life presents. In fact, cultivating readiness is often a central element to the coaching process – whether we discuss, for example, how to prioritize networking opportunities or present one’s value proposition to the specific audience at hand – and it can be the one that yields the greatest results. Readiness includes openness, self-confidence, responsiveness and an ability to (leave one’s baggage at the curb and) live/work/be in the moment.

Anne Marie Segal is a career coach and résumé writer for attorneys, executives and entrepreneurs.

Image above: Shutterstock.

Young Women & Interpersonal Cues: Missing Them Can Undermine Your Career Advancement

By bowing out, she had taken a backseat, undermining herself. Julie had made a decision, perhaps unconsciously, that she was not an important member of our makeshift meeting. As a result of her stepping away at a critical point in the conversation, Julie gave away her power.

At my office recently, I was approached by someone in the hallway I had never met, a fellow tenant (let’s call him George) with a business complimentary to mine. In a few minutes, it became clear George wanted to sell me on something, an idea more than a product or service. He talked excitedly in a loud voice, as he got himself pumped up on a concept that was close to his heart – a local monthly networking group he leads that he wanted me to join. I mentioned that I knew someone from George’s office, a young woman who worked for him (let’s call her Julie), whom George called out to join us. Julie popped out into the hallway a minute later to say hello, as we continued our conversation.

Suddenly, the floor receptionist (let’s call her Clara) appeared. Clara beckoned Julie to come over and answer a question, oblivious to the fact that three people standing in the hallway deep in conversation could be a “meeting” that was just as momentous as a sit-down affair. It did not appear that Clara wanted to talk about anything important, just a routine matter, and I expected Julie to wave her off with a promise to catch up shortly.

And then a very odd thing happened. Something that I had almost forgotten young women can get wrong and how damaging it can be to their careers.

What happened is this: Julie left the conversation. Like the receptionist Clara, who had no skin in the game, Julie missed the cues. She did not grasp that this spontaneous 15-minute meeting in the hallway was important to George, that it’s the way he does business. George was very obviously giving me his elevator pitch, growing his base of support and relying on Julie to help him carry it to a close. And Julie missed the ball. Completely.

The fact was not lost on George, as he made very clear a moment later. “Julie, where are you going?” he asked, as Julie and Clara stood in the hallway, five feet from us, whispering back and forth in their own private conversation. I expected again for Julie to wave Clara off, reading the cues from George, or at least to try to do so, but again she did not.

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“Clara has a question for me,” Julie said flatly, turning her back on us and continuing the conversation. She did not excuse herself by mentioning anything about the relative importance of Clara’s question, that there was an emergency, that she would be “just 30 seconds” or anything to mitigate her allowing a seemingly unnecessary break in the flow of conversation. George continued to speak with me, although he was visibly annoyed by Julie’s absence, turning to glance at her out of the corner of his eye until she finally returned.

As the observer of this interchange, I wished I could communicate to Julie what I had witnessed from a third-party perspective. By bowing out, she had taken a backseat, undermining herself. Julie had made a decision, perhaps unconsciously, that she was not an important member of our makeshift meeting. She was not part of the sales conversation, she “happened” to be there, and could just as easily have been somewhere else without affecting the outcome. This is an error, in fact, because Julie was the link between George and me, as I had only just met George in the hallway and had known Julie for months. If I were to be persuaded to “buy” what George was offering, she certainly could have tipped the balance.

As a result of her stepping away at a critical point in the conversation, Julie gave away her power, allowing herself to deal with minor administrative tasks while a potentially profitable referral relationship was being made (or lost). Or, if there indeed was a pressing need to speak with Clara at that moment, Julie had not communicated that fact in a clear manner so that George (1) felt confident to rely on Julie’s judgment call to leave the meeting, and (2) had maintained focus on his train of thought and momentum, rather than being distracted from his intent. Julie’s actions subtly communicated the opposite: that she felt George did not need her. The key problem is that if George hears this message too many times at critical points in Julie’s career – he doesn’t need her – then, in fact, he won’t.

Have you witnessed a situation like the one I describe with Julie? As women, we want to be recognized as powerful, strong partners in the business world. There are unseen obstacles to our success, and we are denied opportunities based on our gender. And sometimes, we give the power away ourselves. We need to read, and give, helpful interpersonal cues. When we value our own worth and prioritize the more meaningful contributions we can make, we increase our engagement and opportunities in our careers.

Originally published on LinkedIn Pulse as “How Young Women Can Undermine Themselves in the Business World by Missing Interpersonal Cues.”

Key Moments to Raise Your Hand (And Volunteer for New Projects During Your Career)

In the corporate world, and in other work environments, there are key moments at which you should raise your hand and volunteer for a new project or responsibility. Once you “own” a project that is going nowhere, it can be difficult or impossible to beg off at a later point. Knowing which moments are the right ones to volunteer is essentially a process of considering the end game. What are you hoping to get from the experience, and what value will it bring?

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When to say “I’ll do it!” and when to let an opportunity pass you by.

In the corporate world, and in other work environments, there are key moments at which you should raise your hand and volunteer for a new project or responsibility. These moments are critical to get right, because once you “own” a project that is going nowhere, it can be difficult or impossible to beg off at a later point. Knowing which moments are the right ones to volunteer is essentially a process of considering the end game: what are you hoping to get from the experience, and what value will it bring?

If you were always someone who raised your hand in school, eager to step up to the plate, you may volunteer too often and get stuck managing or completing projects that have minimal value to you and the organization. If you prefer instead to keep your head down and “get your work done,” you may miss some critical points to increase your leadership, reach and range. Striking a balance between appearing desperate to get noticed for doing a great job and disinterested in new work, here are three key factors to determine whether you should raise your hand when the boss is asking for volunteers.

Is it high profile?
Is it high need?
Are you highly motivated to do it?

In general, if you have at least two out of the three hits above, you should probably be ready to go for it.

HIGH NEED / HIGH PROFILE

All things being equal, high need/high profile projects are, of course, the best projects to be on. You can increase your political capital within the organization by solving something mission-critical, and you can increase your visibility and level of responsibility for years to come.

If you are highly motivated to complete a high need/high profile project, you have the best of all worlds. On the other hand, if you do not initially feel motivated, brainstorm for possible motivators to get you going, including the obvious points I mention above. Generally, if you are in the right field and concerned about your career, you can generate the motivation to complete projects that meet the other two criteria by focusing on the initial and long-term results they will will bring to you and your company, whether or not the day-to-day tasks are always inspiring.

(Note: If you cannot muster up motivation despite the benefits, you may wish to keep your hand down and re-evaluate your commitment to your chosen role.)

HIGH PROFILE / LOW NEED

High profile projects can bring many benefits, but if they are not important to the organization, consider your motivation before volunteering. You may appear inauthentic, harming your credibility, and in the long run you may not have the commitment to do a good job (while on stage in front of the important individuals and teams within your organization). Examples of high profile/low need projects are the pet projects of senior management, which may allow you to rub elbows with the “right folks” but do not significantly advance (or redeem) the main profit drivers of your organization.

HIGH NEED / LOW PROFILE

Similar to high profile/low need projects, you may only wish to volunteer for high need/low profile projects when you are and can remain highly committed to them until completed. In addition, you should weigh the number of these types of projects that it makes sense to take on at one time.

If you do have strong (or sufficient) motivation to manage or participate in these projects, they could be a boon for your career, teaching you new substantive skills and helping you develop further leadership and self-reliance. You also will demonstrate your commitment to advance the goals of the company, even when being “in the trenches” does not yield an immediate gold star. That commitment can bridge the gap to yet another project that is more significant, if the earlier ones go well for you, and also give you a sense of accomplishment and meaning in your career.

LOW NEED / LOW PROFILE

In the case of a low need/low profile project, you likely should not volunteer regardless of how motivated you are to become engaged in something, unless your goals are no longer aligned with your company and current career path. These projects offer little in terms of advancing your career within a company, and in fact will present an opportunity cost, taking you away from more significant work. If you are tasked with one of these projects without volunteering for it, you may wish to accept it graciously and do your best to complete it (or, if appropriate, discuss your views on why it is not needed). If you are tasked with many of these projects and at the same time wondering why you cannot get traction in your career, you may wish to revisit your career goals and standing within the organization.

The Three Basic Challenges in Any Career

At the heart of the matter, there are only three basic career challenges. How to get somewhere, how to leave somewhere and how to be somewhere.

At the heart of the matter, there are only three basic career challenges:

Finding a new job
Leaving an old job
Performing in a current job

How to get somewhere, how to leave somewhere and how to be somewhere. That’s it.

We go through our daily lives focused on one or more variants of these problems:

Bringing Our “A Game”

Playing to Our Strengths

Interviewing for a New Role

Surviving a Toxic Workplace

Managing Up

Cultivating a Leadership Presence

Setting Boundaries

Changing Fields

Getting Organized

Surviving a Layoff

Gunning for a Promotion

The truth is that each one of us needs to focus on each of these three basic career challenges on a regular basis, whether it is one or more of the variants I mention above or others. We often get focused on the specific “problem at hand, ” and often in a negative way – hating our boss, hating our hours, hating the product we sell, hating our commute, etc.

If you are consistently focused on the micro-issues, you can lose sight of these macro-challenges in your career: how to get somewhere, how to leavesomewhere and how to be somewhere.

As we all know, no job is permanent in today’s world. Even if you love your job or feel that you need (a relative term) to stay with a specific employer for the foreseeable future, your role is constantly changing and your current situation may not be forever. Being in a role, i.e., drilling down to understand what your company or organization is seeking to accomplish and how you can play a greater role in its continued growth and success, is a skill that is infinitely transferable and, in fact, the most important career skill one can have.

Many of us, however, are locked into the particular career problem de jour without keeping our eyes locked on these medium, long-term and ultimate goals. Others only muse about they would like to do or be next, without taking the time to consider logically each individual step to get them there or asking themselves how they can perform better in their current roles. If you fall into either of these camps, you will suffer from disengagement from your career, because you have relinquished the power to drive it. You may have your hands on the wheel, but your can’t ascertain your speed or direction.

Rather than thinking of each of these three basic career challenges (where you are going, what you are leaving behind and how to live in your current role) as individual hurdles, envision your career as a continuum. Each challenge provides the context for the others, and each stage of the process sheds light on the other stages.

1) Finding a new job

What is your target? Do you have clear focus on what you are seeking and why (specifically, what differentiates a new role from those you have previously held)?

If you can’t see what’s on your horizon, what can you do to gain focus? Exercises that help you clarify your own values and value proposition are very helpful in this regard, as is working with a career coach or mentor. (But remember that mentors, and some coaches, have their own biases and blind spots.)

Along with your increased focus, what can you do to present yourself as a compelling candidate? Your résumé is a core document, but don’t forget about cover letters, deal sheets, bios, websites and LinkedIn, to the extent that any of these can help you advance your goals. Beyond the documents, networking and interviewing skills are key, and they both build on the same principles of presenting ourselves well and being able to translate our message to our target audience. These “personal branding” muscles – to use a current buzzword – are ones we should be exercising every day, so they are strong when needed. Lastly, remember that the best momentum comes from what you are already doing – the current aspects of your professional life, written broadly – and that means all of your career accomplishments, talents and transferable skills, not only the obvious ones.

2) Leaving an old job

If you are familiar with change management, you may already recognize that all change involves loss, even changes from which we stand much to gain. Practicing the art of letting go and visualizing yourself in a changed space before you want or need to leave a job will help prepare you for taking that leap. If the choice to leave is yours, these actions can also help give you the motivation to make the change. The worst place to be in a career (relationship, etc.) is unhappy with where you are and unmotivated to do anything about it, which becomes a cycle that is hard to break. Staying attuned to the art of moving on and aware that you have the power to re-create your own circumstances are decisive factors in your career success.

In addition, even before you are on the crux of leaving a role, think about who and what will be left behind. How can you put yourself in a good place each day, as if it were your last day in the role? One example of such preparation is to cultivate key relationships that you would like to maintain after you leave. Another is to resolve or mitigate any disputes that should not be left to linger, if possible. The world gets metaphorically smaller each day, and former work colleagues can easily become future ones, sometimes for the better. In addition, if your new role will be within the same organization (e.g., a promotion), you will get more help, input and support from former colleagues by creating meaningful relationships before the change and maintaining them after your move. Even if certain colleagues seem to have no visible impact on your new position, you can never truly estimate or measure the value of having a solid base of supporters for your cause.

3) Performing in a current job

First, there’s the art of mindfulness and “being in the moment” to be truly productive, connected and alive.

Second, you really can take it with you. By that I mean that whatever progress you make in a current role, you are not only advancing the goals of your company or organization, you are also growing yourself. Unfortunately, as a career coach, I see firsthand how this is something we can easily miss. As I work on résumé writing with clients, for example, I often find they have not “connected the dots” on how their contributions and experience make them compelling candidates to their target audiences. I approach the résumé writing process not only an exercise in putting the right words on the page, but also in formulating the client’s strongest message (i.e., values and value proposition) in the first place.

Last week, for example, I worked with a client who had a junior-sounding “compliance analyst” role on her résumé. As we spoke further, it became clear that (at her relatively small company) she had not only drafted documents, trained staff and the like, she had also essentially co-lead the creation and formalization of the company’s compliance program. While her current role was not where she wanted to stay, it gave her a realm of tools to bridge and bootstrap to her next move. In addition, as she continued to stay fully engaged in the role, she then brought the company through a series of risk-reward analyses and improvements designed to laser-focus their risk-mitigation efforts on the changes that really mattered to their viability and bottom line. I gave her the language to discuss her experience in a larger context, and with that context she is able to more fully leverage her value proposition.

This client’s lessons, successes and wounds – garnered from the process of discerning, persuading and negotiating game-changing measures across business teams and other functions – will serve her well in any future career. As you reflect on your own career, you may find the same hidden gems are planted as you remain engaged and present, for your employer’s growth and your own.

Originally published as “The Three Macro-Challenges of Your Career” on LinkedIn Pulse.

Should You Really Start Something New in the New Year? (Hint: There’s Another, Sometimes Better, Option)

We are accustomed to think of the New Year as a time to start something new.

New Year, new thing. It makes sense.

But what if you took a step back and looked at the change of year not as a chance to do new things, but to bridge the old and the new? What if, instead of starting something new or resolving to make a change, you threw yourself into something you already do well, but you do it better in the New Year?

So here’s a short visualization exercise, since this only works if you are dealing with what’s truly personal to you. If you wish, write down five things you already do that are working. This can be for your business, career, personal life, health, etc.

Write down five important things. (It’s better to actually write than just think. Seeing words on the page makes them real.)

Five Things I’m Already Doing Well

Now, write down why these five things are working. What results are you getting from these actions? Are these results that you want to continue to see in the New Year?

Why These Five Things Are Working

Finally, which one(s) are most important to continue doing, so important that you should not only keep doing them, but also invest more time and dedication to them, to do them even better and get stronger, more lasting results?

Things to Ramp Up in the New Year (and How to Do It)

When we are young, it makes sense to continue to try something new every day, season or year. As adults, sometimes that is the right answer, if it breaks us out of bad habits. But many times, the more fruitful course is to build on what we already know or a change that we have already set into motion.

When we do something new, we expand our horizons. When we recommit, we invest in our strengths. Which one makes sense for you in the new year?

Anne Marie Segal is a career and leadership coach, author and resume writer..

Non-Profit Board Membership: The Advantages and Realities

Serving on a non-profit board can be an experience beyond compare and offer a chance to develop leadership skills, make a meaningful contribution to something larger than yourself and cultivate new personal and professional connections. That said, before you seek out or join a board, it is critical to understand the advantages and realities of board membership.

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A number of my clients are interested in non-profit board membership, including those who wish to “start the year out right” and add a new board membership in the first quarter of next year. In this post, I have compiled a list of articles and resources to help my clients and readers understand some important points about non-profit boards, specifically:

what makes you an attractive candidate for non-profit board membership or leadership,
how your board résumé should differ from a straight employment résumé (hint: highlight volunteer work, former board memberships (if any) and transferrable skills the organization needs),
how being on a non-profit board can help ease the transition into a leadership role at a non-profit organization (from the corporate world) or a for-profit board, if either of these is a goal, and
the advantages and realities of board membership.

The key point to make is that non-profit organizations are often run very differently than private companies, and joining a non-profit board for which you are not passionately aligned with the cause generally results in a negative experience – on both ends (for the board member and the non-profit organization). A second point is that not all non-profits and, by extension, their boards are alike. If you are already very familiar with the non-profit world this is obvious, but if you are approaching non-profits without much direct experience, be ready to objectively evaluate the board, separate from your commitment to its mission, including:

expectations of members (including financial support or fundraising),
board members’ sophistication,
how the Executive Director and major donors interact with the board,
how effectively the organization utilizes the time and talents of board members,
any inter-board rivalry, departure from mission or disagreements,
dates and times of meetings, committees and other obligations, and
“scalability” of the organization, if appropriate,
major funding sources and how certain are they to remain so (and if the non-profit has identified alternatives),
financials, corporate governance and compliance (start with the Form 990 and ask more questions from there), and
who its competitors and potential/current collaborators may be, who is providing similar services (more generally), how cognizant the board is about these points and how they affect service to beneficiaries of the organization’s mission.

If you are considering joining a non-profit board, the best thing you can do is to educate yourself about the organization, what it means to be a board member and who will be joining you on the journey (including the Executive Director, senior staff, donors and fellow board members).

Here are some additional articles and resources with a range of topics and viewpoints on non-profit board candidacy and membership:

Nonprofit Boards: How to Find a Rewarding Board Position (Bridgespan)

Find and Join a Nonprofit Board (Bridgespan)

How to Get a Seat on a Nonprofit Board (Forbes)

Ten Things Boards Do Right (Without Even Realizing It) (Blue Avocado)

Ten Biggest Mistakes Boards and Executives Make (Blue Avocado)

Community Resources: Joining a Nonprofit Board and Other Resources (BoardSource)

Board service (Idealist)

Before you join that board… (Wall Street Journal)

How to Be a Better Nonprofit Board Member (Stanford Business)

Nonprofit Board Basics Online (CompassPoint)

Board Roles and Responsibilities (National Council of Nonprofits)

General nonprofit information and updates (Guidestar)

Want a seat on a board? Rewrite your resume (Fortune) (note: addresses for-profit board positions, but many of the ideas are applicable to non-profit boards as well)

Note: In addition to the above, if you are a professional with specific expertise that is useful to a board, such as an attorney, accountant or CFO, consider how much the Executive Director and other board members will ask for direct legal or financial advice versus consulting outside advisors (and whether you are comfortable giving it – ethically, liability-focused and otherwise – as a board member) as opposed to simply relying on your general expertise and management of those advisors. Smaller boards often like to have a “legal person” and a “finance person” on their board in order to leverage such experience and ferret out red flags, which is very helpful. Sometimes, however, this crosses over into you being asked to provide legal advice or expected to “pass on” numbers, which should be outside of the scope of your fiduciary duties.

If you are actively pursuing a board position, it pays to be open to more than one organization and consider the tradeoffs of each, as well as what you would bring to the table. In addition, remember that seeking out a board is similar in some ways to a job search, referrals and endorsements go a long way, as well as personal connections. The ball may be in your court to make the contacts – and to follow up – even if the board has expressed an interest in having you join. In addition, don’t forget to let your LinkedIn network know that you are interested in a board position and your relevant experience (by including it on your profile), as non-savvy profits may also source board members on LinkedIn.

The above resources will get you started and on your way to discovering the inner workings of board selection and membership, including advantages and pitfalls to avoid. As a final point, which cannot be emphasized enough, only join a non-profit board if you are devoted enough to its cause that you can tough it out through the minor (or major) aggravations that may arise over time. That said, board membership is an important and very needed form of skilled volunteership in our society, so if you have the skills and willingness to move forward, by all means, seek out a board!

Anne Marie Segal is a career and leadership coach and résumé writer to attorneys, executives and entrepreneurs. You can find her website at www.segalcoaching.com.

WRITING SERVICES include attorney and executive résumés, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles, bios, websites and other career and business communications.

COACHING SERVICES include career coaching, networking support, interview preparation, LinkedIn training, personal branding, leadership and change management.

My Biggest Career Mistake: Sailing, Secretaries and Lime Green Pants

I believe in the power of mistakes.

No one likes to make mistakes, of course. But that is where the learning happens. Bigger mistake, greater opportunity to learn.

What may have been my biggest career mistake happened very early on, while I was still finishing my undergraduate degree. I had my very first internship and was ready to conquer the world. Good so far. I also thought I knew exactly how to do it. Ha!

I was a lowly intern, feeling on top of the world that I had gotten “in” at a place that I very much wanted to work. The secretary in the department was very good to me, trying to help me out so I could make my way. But I didn’t take the cue.

Not only did I not yet understand that secretaries rule the roost (if not the world), but I did not appreciate that someone could make choices very different than mine and still have a lot to teach me.

Here’s the thing. This secretary (we’ll call her Nancy) wore lime green capri pants, corduroys and other outfits to work that in my naivety had judged as “not fit for the professional world”. I call myself naive not because I was wrong to recognize that Nancy would not move up the corporate ladder if she didn’t emulate the look of those at the top: dark-colored suits. She wouldn’t. Rather, I assumed that moving up within the organization was and should be Nancy and everyone else’s goal, without realizing that she had her own plan. One that was more carefully formulated than my 19-year-old point of view would allow.

Nancy wanted a place to work during the day (while she pursued her own interests on the side) that was forgiving enough so she could wear want she wanted and be whom she pleased. She was expected to conform to certain norms and left blissfully free to ignore other ones. She made calculated decisions to achieve the results she wanted. She knew exactly how to get where she wanted to go, but it wasn’t anywhere that I could have imagined.

So when Nancy pulled me aside one day to tell me that I should “follow the lead” of the head of the group (we’ll call him Troy), who wanted to talk about basketball and sailing a good part of the time, I ignored her advice. I wanted to ask Troy about things that interested me, and at the time these were not at the top of my list. While others joked and called him Captain Troy, I smiled through gritted teeth and pushed on for the certain set of experiences that I had expected out of the internship.

After all, we were not on a yacht, we were in an office. I wanted to learn the ways of leadership and success, and they were not going to come from talking about sailing, I thought. At the time, I didn’t have a boat, or any family or friends with a boat. The one time I had taken an extended trip on a boat as a child, I had been seasick most of the week. I was bound to say something ill-informed, so wasn’t it better to steer the conversation back to what was comfortable to me?

I couldn’t look bad if I just avoided topics that were out of my league, right? Anyway, I reasoned, what did Nancy know, with her green pants and all? How could a chat about sailing be useful to me at all, other than to smile and humor my boss? Why would I encourage him to continue that conversation?

Turns out, Nancy knew a lot. In particular, she knew how to keep everyone happy while keeping herself happy. She kept these two goals in perfect balance, giving Troy and the group the support they needed while feeding her own needs. She intuitively understood that showing an interest in sailing was showing an interest in Troy. And that was the important part.

By contrast, I was being immature, overly serious and even selfish – holding on to the world as I knew it – by expecting to direct the line of conversation. And I was missing out on the chance to learn, bond, grow and have fun.

So, my biggest career mistake was actually a set of related mistakes:

Mistake #1: Discounting the message of an unexpected messenger.

Mistake #2: Closing myself off from new experiences.

Mistake #3: Making it all about me.

As I found out later, the green pants were a statement on Nancy’s part, a line in the sand that she was in a bridge job and had no pretense of “moving up” to a management position within that organization. She had her eyes on another prize – her own set of professional goals – but she also made sure to be so good at her job (orienting herself to the situation, as needed) that there was no way she would risk losing it over something as simple as wardrobe choices. In fact, as a highly creative person, she literally wore her authenticity on her sleeve. And she was respected for that by others in the group, including (in the months and years following my internship) by me.

I often think back to Nancy, the unexpected messenger, with whom I have lost touch in the over 20 years since I had that internship. I am indebted to her wisdom. I wonder if she has started her own company, maybe even a fashion line.

Nancy could have changed her style of dress any day. Changing my attitude took a lot longer.

From my biggest mistake, I learned my greatest lesson. It is not all about fitting in, it is also about being a fit.

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When to say “I’ll do it!” and when to let an opportunity pass you by.

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